Borderline personality disorder (BPD), is a long-term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterised by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.
So after constantly talking to this guy for weeks and then spending the weekend together, I started to let myself think he actually cared for me, I know now that in a way that was true but not in the way I had assumed.
As you can see from the description above the word unstable features heavily! And that was what I was feeling totally unstable, completely rejected and very stupid. I started to remember why there were so few people in my life I was close to, because people can hurt me more than they could ever understand.
I was filled with raw emotion, I wanted to change my life and instead just felt the pain of rejection again. I realised that really nothing in my life had changed and started throwing steaks in the mouth of the bad wolf again, feeding my insecurities and getting slowly more distressed.
I thought I was getting better and then suddenly I’m back in the same place I was 6 months ago, I felt like a total failure. Ultimately I couldn’t deal with the emotional pain I was in, after hours of crying I could not calm myself or my thoughts in anyway.
I got some rope and a chair, as I was standing on the chair trying to work out how the hell you tie a noose the whole world suddenly went quiet (well the world inside my head) it was a sudden moment of clarity – What are you doing?
I realised I was completely overeating to the situation, my extreme feelings were unjustified and that all I needed to do was to continue to slowly work on changing myself bit by bit, that I needed to work out how to be less bothered by the actions and opinions of others, and I got down from the chair and started to think again about how I could further help myself.
Just a footnote to say…This man is not a bad person in anyway and has since become a good friend who has encouraged and helped me in my quest to change my life and climb mountains. In fact one of the things he helped me to do really did change my life considerably, but that’s a story for another day.