Under the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder they list chronic feelings of emptiness, but what does this mean? BPD is normally associated with feeling too much not too little. After some introspection I realised the emptiness had always been there, I just didn’t know what it was.
I consider it to be a coping mechanism, the only way our minds know how to deal with the intense emotional pain is to turn it all off.
Emptiness feels like this ineffable thing. I know somewhere inside me there is a black hole waiting to consume all feeling and emotion, to cut me off from the world, make me question who I am. It’s the longing to be understood, and the loneliness. That feeling something is missing.
It’s like some extreme kind of boredom that you can’t escape from. Thinking of something you could do, and then realising you don’t even care.
It makes me think things like; what’s the point? My life has no meaning.
There is an endless need to try and fill the void, maybe I should start a new hobby or learn something new, and then in destructive ways, if I buy all these things I will feel better or should get high?
It makes me want to hide from the world because no matter how hard I try I just can’t be happy. I feel like I have to wear a mask and it gets harder and harder to stop it slipping from my face. But it’s easier to wear the mask than to try and explain to anyone what emptiness means.
So I guess emptiness is actually made up of many things, paradoxical I know.
Returning from the emptiness can be sudden and painful, hitting the ground again. But feeling something in any form is a release; life can move forward again, there’s hope of happiness.