For as long as I can remember I have had problems with food and eating, as a child I would barely eat anything. I have memories of throwing away food or doing anything I could to make it look like i had eaten my lunch at school, and memories of being force fed by family members or sitting at the table unable to finish the food.
What I eat is so limited and i find it incredibly difficult to the point of impossibility to try anything new. I struggle to eat enough and when I do eat its all of the wrong things. I don’t know how to change this, it’s such an overwhelming prospect I don’t even know where to begin, and it feels so hard I don’t even know if I want to.
I don’t feel great where I live and it makes it hard for me to cook meals, I just feel uncomfortable, scared to make any kind of mess as I know there will be endless complaints. I end up eating microwave meals or spending to much money on takeaways and I can’t seem to break this cycle.
Going out for lunch or dinner is like a nightmare, looking at the menu and praying there is something that I will like, hoping I won’t have to ask them to change too much, feeling like a child not an adult, totally embarrassing in front of people who don’t know me. It’s easier to just make a joke of things but i still feel bad inside because I know I’m failing myself.
I do enjoy eating some of the time even though my choices are limited there are things I enjoy. I still can’t ever seem to have any consistency I will eat for a week or even a month and gain some weight, then I will get stressed and stop eating or go on a walking trip and struggle with food and before I know it I’m back to square one.
When I try to eat something new I struggle to swallow the food and feel like I’m going to be sick no matter what i try to tell myself I can’t seem to stop it, even looking at some food leaves me completely disgusted to the point of wanting to vomit.
This is something in my life I can’t seem to fix and nothing or no one seems to be able to help. I know I need to fix this; I can never be fit and healthy if I can’t eat properly and if I can’t be fit and healthy then I have no hope of climbing high. I just hope one day soon I can find a solution to this seemingly unsolvable problem.