Most of the time in life I wear a mask, I pretend everything is ok and try hard to appear normal in social situations. Wearing a mask is hard but it seems easier than the truth most of the time. This tends to mean everyone thinks I’m ok until I’m really not ok.
When the mask falls off its distressing, when I can no longer hide what lies inside me, the anger, sadness and fear. It’s easier to withdraw from life, to hide away and cut myself off from all human contact, not because I want to but because I am so afraid if people see what is behind it they will not want me around anymore.
I wish someone could really see me and still want to be in my life but I am unable to show anyone and that’s probably for the best as I know they would want to run far away if I told them what really goes on inside my head.
I have been told by people they would not have known when they met me that anything was wrong, that I appeared normal even confident. This makes me wonder if anyone could ever really like me for the disaster I am. How am I supposed to get closer to anyone if I’m scared to tell them who I really am? I long for human connection but don’t know how to trust another person.
It’s easier to put the mask on and smile and pretend when someone upsets me, even though its tearing me apart inside I will be nice, don’t want to rock the boat and risk any kind of rejection. I think this means that people can walk all over me and I am so afraid they will leave I just let them do it while smiling.
Sometimes I wish I could express my anger instead of keeping it inside and turning it into sadness and self-hatred behind the mask.
What’s the point of wearing the Mask? I seem to get further when I wear the mask and pretend everything ok, I get further at work and I seem to get along better with others, but it seems a little pointless at the same time as I am denying my real feelings and people only like me because of the lie.
The mask is a fake version of me created to protect me from the world outside and most days I can wait to get home and take it off, so I don’t have to pretend anymore, so I can just stop, because constantly pretending to be ok is a thankless and tiring exercise.
I don’t want to be a fake person anymore but there doesn’t seem to be any other way to survive.