Unhappy Home

I live in an unhappy home and it’s ruining my life.

I live with my Dad and his Fiancé who has spent the last 10 criticising everything I do. After years of being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home I can barely function at a normal level.

I get criticised for getting washed as I don’t do a good enough job of cleaning up afterwards; even though I clean the whole bathroom, so I don’t get washed not sure what kind of person that makes me it feels pretty messed up – I feel so uncomfortable in my own home I don’t get washed. Baby wipes are like my best friend. One of the few times I was brave enough to run a bath while she was in the house she got in it.

I get criticised or berated for cooking my dinner and stand washing dishes while it gets cold for fear of being told off and made to feel small, so I just don’t make my dinner, I can eat some crisps instead because that’s really helping with my health and weight loss issues, or get a takeaway which I can’t afford.

I get constant snide comments and under breath mutterings so it’s easier to hide away.

They invite her whole family round for dinner and not me, so I sit upstairs alone hiding as I am unwelcome. I sit and wonder why everyone hates me so much and think about how I am a bad person who hurts others and doesn’t deserve to be loved. It causes me so much anxiety I am literally paralysed afraid to leave my room. The situation makes me feel totally unwanted, these people are supposed to be my family and they are doing this. It makes me fearful of what other people may do to me and it makes it even harder to trust any other person.

I keep all my feelings and upset inside until one day something pushes me too far and I lose it and shout, which to be honest I do feel is sometimes deserved and it seems to stop her tirade for a week or two before we’re back into the constant criticising and comments.

I know I need to change this and move out but I am so afraid I will screw it up and then have nowhere to turn as I don’t have any other family living locally.

However I have chosen to take the first step and I have signed up to local authority housing in my area, as terrifying as it is something needs to change. I am still procrastinating on this at the moment but it’s still a small step in the right direction.

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