Having BPD is like a constant nightmare I can’t wake up from and every day is a struggle to the finish line. I never know how I am going to react to things I try so hard not to overreact and get upset but it still happens multiple times every day. It feels like a life sentence.
People think I’m weird or angry, the pyscho girl; or that I’m lazy and can’t be bothered to do things. Truth is I am neither I am not angry I am deeply hurt by the actions of others and I am not lazy I’m just tired of trying so hard every single second.
I have no identity I don’t know who I am, I move between passions, interests and people because I am so desperately trying to find a sense of self I just don’t possess. I just don’t know who I am or where I fit into the world. I feel lost like I am searching for something I won’t ever find a port in the storm that is my life.
I constantly feel like I am on the outside looking in. Other people seem to understand each other they laugh and have conversations but I just feel awkward and left out, always assuming that people don’t want me to be around. It feels like no one could ever really understand me.
I am so full of self-hatred and self-doubt it makes me feel totally useless and worthless, it feels like there is no point in being alive as all I feel is pain.
Even when I am surrounded by good friends my mind is still telling me they hate me, are just putting up with me, don’t want me around or are laughing at me behind my back like I am just some kind of joke to them. Being around people is when I feel the most alone because I know I don’t fit in.
I get so angry but I am fearful to express this to others as I assume they will just hate me and won’t want me around anymore. This makes me turn into the narcissist, the self-hating narcissist if there is such a thing. I turn all the anger pain back at myself and keep it all inside until I eventually break from the weight.
I go from feeling chronically empty to the point I will do anything to fill it, drugs, sex, reckless spending; to feeling everything all at once the sadness, pain and rage burn inside me. It’s like going from the vacuum of space straight into a hurricane.
Relationships of any kind are hard but especially romantically, I am desperately lonely but every time I try to enter into any kind of relationship it causes me so much distress I have to end it even though that’s never what I truly want. I wish I could be honest with someone about what goes on inside my head, I sit and fantasise about what it would be like to have that kind of honesty and support, but at the same time I know it’s not going to happen.
I feel like the love and support of another person are the only way I can ever get better, but love is hard to find when you have BPD. I doubt there is a man alive with enough patience to deal with this and even if I find love I will probably just destroy it.
I have tried so hard with therapy and coping strategies but I still fail to keep my emotions and feelings in check, it’s a constant battle which I often lose. I’m not sure if things will ever get better the harder I try the worse I seem to feel about myself and my life. The more I go to therapy the worse it makes me feel as surely I should now be able to cope, but I still can’t.
I am a dichotomy I am made of opposites which fail in every way to reconcile in the middle and I don’t know how to fix it.